Its the start of a new year and its the first year ill ever be myself the way id like to be,
no matter how full of shit anyone thinks i am or if anyone thinks im new or telling the truth or healed or anything because i know that i am the guy that is worth while. I used to be discarded street trash and now after lots of refurbishing and painting and oiling I am something worth being proud of. By no means am i at the finish line and can say that I am some perfect entity lickity split, but when something so major shifts something so deep and you cant deny the experience and how profoundly its impacted you. Then you change. You just do. I even know where the doubt or believability i can change comes from, I am the boy who cried wolf. Im not saying its magic dust, im just saying that you get a swift and hard and painful kick in the ass from life and the people that love you. Then you stop telling yourself you are broken or crazy and start realizing you make mistakes, youre human, and you have potential to be something better than the flawed version of yourself you created and nurtured far beyond the point of reason.
I know the hurt in me is important and the growth can only be nurtured through experience and applying the lessons ive learned to the way I live my life.
Today I talked to some friends and family today and learned a lot of things that made me sad, most of the information i am taking with a grain of salt but still friendships and knowledge is hard.
Im glad I know my friends and what they go through and what they choose to share with me and I even love what they dont share with me.
After all this chloe puts up a retrospective of her previous year in glorious photographs she has taken. I was a large part of this last year in her life and obviously hers in mine.
It made me cry to see how happy we could have been and to see a love that I could have had without borders and a love that was real but poisoned by my excuses,lies and inability to believe anyone could love me for who i am (which is,in actuality, far less exciting than pretend lukas but at least i know im still kinda cool as boring old true lukas). To see in those photos those moments of joy, those moments of pure love, now that im in in a place to except and understand the concept of it. it was so hard to see. It was like realizing that you threw away a winning lottery ticket and then had to see the photo of you tossing it on the side of the road thinking it wasnt worth anything. Then the crying turned to howling when I realized/remembered how talented, smart, funny, and beautiful she is and how ugly I have been and how much i want her to be happy and to know what the kind of love she gave me can be like to receive. I am glueing myself back together just like she is, but in a totally different way because part of what ive learned is that we are separate people and will always approach our lives in separate ways. That love is accepting someone for who they are and loving them for the drawbacks as much as you love the great things. That we all have problems that we cant blame on our parents or baggage or past, that we all try to love the best we can, even if thats not enough, that we all nurture and care in seperate ways,that we all grow at a different pace and that love is the acceptance and enjoyment of someone elses life, while not sacrificing yours, and allowing them the parts of themselves that make someone a complete person. oh, and not being a giant lying dick bag fucker is a good thing as well. TRUST ME.
25 was supposed to be huge, and i thought it was a magic button on your birthday all of a sudden some tibetan monk bestows ultimate knowledge and wisdom on you. Turns out its a slow build of lessons and loss and fear and progress with some great times on the other side (fingers x'ed).
2009 I have good hope for you.
Everything evil before you can burn.
This was pretty huge when i read it.
For the error bred in the bone
Of each woman and each man
Craves what it cannot have,
Not universal love
But to be loved alone.
-W.H.Auden
No comments:
Post a Comment