Ok

So I came unhinged today. Like lost control fully and turned into the guy from swingers who keeps calling and calling. I can't do this anymore.it's depressing to see how desperate this depression is letting me be. I have got to do something for myself that Is positively selfish and not negatively selfish. Let go of it all completely. Try New things and new procedures. Concentrate on me and only me. Stop living for anyone else. I know what I did and have accepted that I am just human and will move on from it and never make those mistakes with people again. It's done and I can't take it back. After going nuts this morning and reaching for my phone again and again and again (an embarrasing amount, an excesive amount an inexcusable amount) I took a bath for the first time in too long and spoke to some old friends and meditated on who I am and where I am going. It's exciting and scary and awesome and liberating. I am going to let go, which means no more digging, no more looking no more asking. My life is great and I have been out of control of it for far too long. Today is a day for reinvention, not regression and finally I have a personal plan. I have had a wonderful love that I didn't nurture, and I can't keep expecting it to return. Yes i will miss it forever and will always love her but if I fail to nurture the love I have for myself by continuing to obsess over someone elses life then I'm just repeating mistakes. I've changed so much internally and made so many leaps forward and the acceptance of this Is just another log on the fire of changing.
Now it's time to live who I can be instead of just figuring it out in my head.
This is the end. Hi my name Is lukas. I am magic.